Grieving the loss of my daughter, my younger daughter, 9 years old at the time~ there is no way she could understand what was happening. I could tell it began to solidify in her mind I was a cry baby and I was wrong, I should have been strong. I was none of these yet depleted~ I could not hold up emotionally any longer. I had to let go. I had reached my limits; not holding up well under the constant pressure brought on by a narcissistic, non-empathetic spouse. These days would end was my hope.
I tried everything to hold on, including reaching out for emotional support to stand anywhere, open up to anyone who would show a hint of care. I could not be strong 'enough' for my children to survive without me; if I was a more intelligent woman, leaving emotions by the wayside, I would have understood my children had rights to retain their loving relationships with both of us, their parents. The problem I had was taking the time to try and understand why I was getting bowled over.
Still, I wonder why it has taken so long to do for myself. I don't believe I ever had the support I needed and even now I do not have that support. I feel as if I am at the mercy of anyone crossing my path; hoping they will step up to the challenge I have shouldered for so long. The only mercy belongs to God. The only Tender Sweet Mercies belong to the God of the Universe, the Beginner of everyone's new day, fresh and free from the past. Unfortunately we are human and rely on ourselves to assimilate what occurred and disappointed us yesterday into our reality today.
Listen to what they say~ No more, 'she seems fine to me'. No more, 'we don't talk about that'.
Together we can end violence. This is not reality~ Together is other people. Together doesn't include me.
I don't trust anyone, I trust God only because Jesus trusts God for me.
O night more lovely than the dawn!
I live here, in the night, in the dark of the night, no light streaming through the windows.