Sunday, November 9, 2014

The Dark Night of the Soul ~ November, 2008

Grieving the loss of my daughter, my younger daughter, 9 years old at the time~ there is no way she could understand what was happening. I could tell it began to solidify in her mind I was a cry baby and I was wrong, I should have been strong. I was none of these yet depleted~ I could not hold up emotionally any longer. I had to let go. I had reached my limits; not holding up well under the constant pressure brought on by a narcissistic, non-empathetic spouse. These days would end was my hope.

I tried everything to hold on, including reaching out for emotional support to stand anywhere, open up to anyone who would show a hint of care. I could not be strong 'enough' for my children to survive without me; if I was a more intelligent woman, leaving emotions by the wayside, I would have understood my children had rights to retain their loving relationships with both of us, their parents. The problem I had was taking the time to try and understand why I was getting bowled over.

Still, I wonder why it has taken so long to do for myself. I don't believe I ever had the support I needed and even now I do not have that support. I feel as if I am at the mercy of anyone crossing my path; hoping they will step up to the challenge I have shouldered for so long. The only mercy belongs to God. The only Tender Sweet Mercies belong to the God of the Universe, the Beginner of everyone's new day, fresh and free from the past. Unfortunately we are human and rely on ourselves to assimilate what occurred and disappointed us yesterday into our reality today.

Listen to what they say~ No more, 'she seems fine to me'. No more, 'we don't talk about that'.
Together we can end violence. This is not reality~ Together is other people. Together doesn't include me.

I don't trust anyone, I trust God only because Jesus trusts God for me.

O night more lovely than the dawn!

I live here, in the night, in the dark of the night, no light streaming through the windows.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Thoughts in Solitude ~ reflections on the spiritual life and the love of solitude by Thomas Merton

Chapter XVII pages 69 & 70 ~

O great God, Father of all things, Whose infinite light is darkness to me, Whose immensity is to me as the void, You have called me forth out of yourself because You love me in yourself, and I am a transient expression of Your inexhaustible and eternal reality. I could not know You, I would be lost in this darkness, I would fall away from You into this void, if You did not hold me to Yourself in the Heart of Your only begotten Son.
Father, I love You Whom I do not know, and I embrace You Whom I do not see, and I abandon myself to You Whom I have offended, because You love in me Your only begotten Son. You see Him in me, You embrace Him in me, because He has willed to identify Himself completely with me by that love which brought Him to death, for me, on the Cross.
I come to You like Jacob in the garments of Esau, that is in the merits and the Precious blood of Jesus Christ. And You, Father, Who have willed to be as though blind in the darkness of this great mystery which is the revelation of Your love, pass Your hands over my head, and bless me as Your only Son. You have willed to see me only in Him, but in willing this You have willed to see me more really as I am. For the sinful self is not my real self, it is not the self You have wanted for me, only the self that I have wanted for myself. And I no longer want this false self. But now Father, I come to You in your own Son’s self, for it is His Sacred Heart that has taken possession of me and destroyed my sins and it is He Who presents me to You. And where? In the sanctuary of His own Heart, which is your palace and the temple where the saints adore You in Heaven.

Thoughts in Solitude by Thomas Merton
Image Books edition published September 1968
Garden City, New York
Copyright © 1956, 1958 by the
Abbey of Our Lady of Gethsemani